Traveling Working Moms: Any Advice?

Traveling Working Moms: Any Advice? 

Three times now I've had good friends, also working moms who work in the field of international development and regularly travel abroad, ask for my advice about leaving their little one for the first time. 

The most important message is: YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM AND HE WILL GROW TO RESPECT AND APPRECIATE YOUR WORK AND YOUR TRAVEL AND WILL LEARN TO LOVE TRAVEL TOO! I really believe that. (we have to, right?)

I'm not about to write some sort of "Girlfriends Guide to Being an Aid Worker Mommy" as I'm no expert, but hmmm maybe someday.  In the meantime, I thought I might publish the emails I've sent, in case it might be useful to others. Feel free to chime in via comments on your experiences too! 

The most recent request was a month or two ago. 

So I forwarded the first and second emails to this friend, and sent my virtual hugs. My son is 5 now, so I'm getting more used to this. Of course, he's old enough now that the last time I traveled internationally he grabbed ahold of my leg for dear life when the taxi arrived and cried and begged me not to go (or take him with me!) That was new. A new low to be in tears in the taxi outside my house anyway, but easier to recover. My newest reflection (aside from that) is how glorious it is to fly long-haul flights to Asia.  No one can reach me, I can't solve anyone's problem, there's no guilt for being completely unplugged, plus I get to pick every movie,  nap when I want, and have someone serve me endless food and alcohol. Not so bad. 

The second email was earlier this year. 

Here's what a wrote, as a preface to the first email (names removed): 

Hey there, here’s a message I wrote to my friend already almost two years ago. I still agree with all of it! We do the short video clips a lot. “hi griffin, here’s me in my hotel room in X city, eating chicken on a stick and rice! Here’s the window and the street outside! Oh look! There’s a goat! Okay now, love you, be good for daddy- bye!”  Seriously it’s too funny.  I also second my note about having your hubby be prepared for your jet lag. You walk in the door and they want to just hand the kids over and escape and all you want to do is shower and sleep for two days. So agree that his single parenting duty goes on for another extra day or two except when you have time for the cute stuff for like a half hour.

Also, I shop far and wide for cool stuff to bring back and griffin’s favorite thing (other than tshirts from crazy places) is the giveaway packs from the plane! Turkish airlines gives little tin pencil case type things, and another one gave little pouches, you know, with mini tooth brushes and eye patches and stuff. The coolest stuff ever for a 4 year old. I’m not sure if your little one is old enough yet but does she have a globe? I bought a cheap blow up one on amazon, it’s like a globe beach ball. It helps to point out where you are. have you heard of little passports? http://www.littlepassports.com/  best thing ever. Griffin goes wild over it.  Again, your little one might be a bit too young but maybe not!

When do you leave?

Have a great trip! Good luck!

Christie

And lastly, the first email I wrote, when Griffin was about three.  

The question was: sometime you can tell me how you handle leaving griffin for travel. going to burundi from aug 29 to september 8 and it will be my first time back to the great lakes since the baby came home. i went to the DR in march, but that felt so easy/safe because if anything wrong, i was in the same hemisphere and could zip home (or so i told myself), but this upcoming trip feels far away. obviously i want to raise a son who loves to travel and who knows me as someone who loves her work, blah, blah, but i'm really feeling emotional about the upcoming trip to africa! does it get easier?????

It’s a very good question! My first real international trip was when Griffin was about a 15 months old. 2 weeks, Indonesia and Philippines. So same thing- very, very far away. I seriously cried all the way to Manila.  It was absolutely awful. But….the next morning when we got up, got in the car, and started driving to the field site with the local partner, and talking about the project, my blood started running through my veins again and I remembered why I loved my job. It had been a long time since I’d been in the field and it was a GREAT reminder. The trip ended up being great, plus I was so tired at night that I didn’t have much time to think about it.  A few tips:

-          Ala a piece in “Lean In,”  this is a great opportunity for your partner to take full control of parenting.  I literally walked out the door and got into the cab.  I didn’t leave steve any instructions, notes, anything.  I mean, he’s pretty engaged anyway, and for the few weeks prior he was paying extra attention.  In the long run, it’s SO great for the parent staying home too. I don’t know what your balance of roles is like but for us, it really helped to equalize things and has lasted since. Part of that is also letting go and trusting your partner.  In my case, the worst that could happen, I realized, is bad mismatched clothes, Griffin’s presence on a barstool at the bar (or I suppose at that age, in a kids seat at a bar table)  in some pub eating chicken fingers while Steve watched the game and had a beer, extra mac and cheese and chicken fingers and movies in general.  You have to remind yourself he’ll be wonderfully cared for and you know nothing bad will happen to him when you’re gone.

-          Get a window seat so you can watch movies and cry in private and maybe even just tell the flight attendant what’s going on upfront, to avoid them constantly asking you if you’re ok. I am not kidding, every single leg from here to Manila, sobbing, constantly. And maybe the person sitting next to you.  Stay away from sad movies on the plane.  Time Travelers Wife, despite having already read the book was a big mistake, for example! That stupid movie with Matt Damon about buying a zoo, also a mistake. Turns out he bought a zoo to escape the sadness of his old life where his wife died. Doh! More tears.

-          Create a busy, busy schedule while you’re there! Don’t eat meals alone, stay busy and go back to your room and crash, that’s it.  alone time to catch up on emails and stuff is trouble- just wait and do that stuff when you’re back. Be around people!

-          Know that the timing of facetime and skype and stuff likely won’t work out most of the time. Between your schedule, fussy toddler schedule, and time zones, live connections was much harder than we expected. So I videotaped little short messages on my phone and emailed them to steve and he played them for him. He tried to do that for me but  barely did b/c he barely had time to breathe doing the single parent thing.

-          Know that at that age, they might not notice you’re gone! The huge amazing reunion I envisioned when I returned was like an, oh, yeah, right, hey mommy. Total lackluster!

-          Timewise- in time, we learned that (steve travels a LOT also)= one week is no problem. Two weeks is tough but do-able, and really the max. three weeks really puts you (the one at home, I mean) and the kid over the edge. I seriously loose it being a single mom that long, and Griffin turns into the devil as a result. Some good stories there when steve was the team lead for Hurricane Sandy response last fall. Not pretty-haha!

-          On the single parent side, she should plan some help while you’re gone, b/c it’s exhausting. I am a fan of the 11-year old aspiring babysitter mother’s helper in my neighborhood. If you don’t have one already, find one! Critical for doing laundry, preparing dinner, catching up on work, etc- entertains the baby while you’re there and can get stuff done. Plus prevents that you get home and she’s at her wits end right when you want to sleep from jet lag… Also prepare for your son to start acting out in the second week or so. They sense that something’s changed.

-          IT DOES GET EASIER!!!! For sure. I still don’t love it but don’t cry nearly as much! :) I don’t enjoy work travel nearly like I used to, which is sad. But it does still rejuvenate me and remind me why I do this.  (I still super crave personal travel though and we do a lot of it).  So I guess another tip that has helped me is to hire a young, single person on my team who is dying to travel constantly, train them up till you trust them, and send them on their way while you spend this little time in your life traveling less and staying home a tad more. I’m okay with that at the moment. And now Griffin is 3- when I travel now, I feel more comfortable doing what I used to do, tacking on a day or two to stay and visit or explore or in the case of this next trip, adding a short stopover (London!) to see friends. Steve also can handle it better and a little longer now, so I don’t feel guilty doing that.

Good luck!! YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM AND HE WILL GROW TO RESPECT AND APPRECIATE YOUR WORK AND YOUR TRAVEL AND WILL LEARN TO LOVE TRAVEL TOO! I really believe that. (we have to, right?)

XOXO,

Christie